What to expect when your brain wants to kill you excerpt from chapter: SUICIDE NOTE

Everyone who has considered suicide has their own reason why. Suicide is never the answer, no matter what the reason, but whatever your why is, it is important and deserves to be heard. This is the purpose of a suicide note.    

For me, writing a suicide note is therapeutic. I never write when I am in crisis. I know that under duress, I will forget someone or something. When I am suicidal, I’m too overwhelmed to put my thoughts down on paper. 

Each time I start a suicide note or poem, I take the attitude that I have only one chance to get it right. The words must be perfect, so I rewrite, revise and start over many times. I spell check and fix the grammar. Ironically this engages my creative mind, where my brain forgets it’s trying to kill me. It is where I realize at my core that it is impossible to get it right. A life, your life, my life, is worth so much more than you can possibly compose. 

Writing a suicide note is something you have to do yourself.  It is your unique thoughts, your purpose and reason but there are some common themes that come up such as feeling sorry for the pain you will cause, being tired and exhausted, dealing with chronic pain and having a feeling of hopelessness.  Your note will be different from everyone else’s. You can’t use ChatGPT.  I already tried. You have to do it yourself because you deserve the effort.   My simplest suicide note was 25 words long. 

 

Please don’t cry.

Be happy with the time we had.

Use our memories as your palette

and paint a beautiful dream

where we’re together again. 

Please don't cry

Please don't cry. Be happy with the time we had. Use our memories as your palette and paint a beautiful dream where we're all together again.  *I am safe.

My children are the best of me.

Let's get this right. I have only one chance. My children are the best of me. They embody my compassion, my patience, my humor, my smile, my kindness. I have brought them on this journey, holding their hands, guiding them, reassuring them that all will be fine Their lives have meant everything to me. I can see myself in them And I know I'll live on. But  I can only take them so far. Now I must go on my own path I must go on alone. I wish I could take them further but the dark thoughts won't allow. Where I go now I must go alone.

What can I say?

What can I say? What can I possibly say That will make any sense? I am living a lie, tapping words into my phone that are selfish and cruel, all the while smiling and being polite. You have all been so kind. I wish you could understand how much you've meant to me. I love you all that is why I feel physically ill thinking about the pain I'll cause. Right in the pit of my stomach I'm crushed. I see my family soar, their confidence spellbinding I love them all so deeply. Why am I doing this? Why am I being so hurtful? Why am I sending them hurling off course? I can't explain. It just is. I am sorry. I am truly sorry.

Suicide Note

Let my life be my suicide note. Remember the happy times we shared together. Don't focus on these last words. They're not the real me. They're flat thoughts with deflated meaning. They're all I can think of in this last moment. How I lived was who I was: patient, compassionate, thoughtful, and creative. No one ever truly knew the constant thoughts that hollowed out my mind. I didn't let you. Please don't let this one mistake change who I was to you. Please remember me as a kind man who liked to write.

Pool of sorrow

I can see Jacob and Hannah's tears and they dissolve my heart into a pool of sorrow.

I'm sorry

I know that I'll rip apart lives and redefine them. I know the pain I'll cause, the anger and hatred I'll raise, the deep wounds of sorrow I'll inflict all against my very nature; against the life I have always lived. But I can't go on like this: my mind won't stop, the future won't heal it. I know no matter how many words I say or write no one will ever understand. I don't even understand. I'm sorry.