AI tries to motivate me

AI tries to motivate me because there's no one else. My best friend, my only friend is dead. My therapist has retired to her new family. I'm alone. Cliche words and phrases ring hollow. Inspirational sunsets and vistas seem trite.  The authoritative voice without a face tells me to hang on but he doesn't really know me. He doesn't really know anyone. His advice is scripted, he's just reading the words,  not believing them. Where is the compassion,  the empathy and understanding. The algorithm is not quite there yet. I will just have to wait. I'm tired.

Don't give up

Don't give up before you even try. Past failures don't lead  to hopelessness rather they are stepping stones towards this very moment. You have never been so ready as you are right now.   Don't give up. Try.

The chance has gone by

The chance has gone by

and it doesn't really matter

I miss the beginning

 

I miss the beginning.

All I am left with is the end.

 

Time

We all hold such a precious piece of time. 

We often mistake it as infinite but our portion is but a sliver. 

Cherish it.

 

I am haunted

 

I am haunted by all the futures I let slip by.

David Michael Gourlay

It has almost been a year since you passed and a day never goes by when I don't think about you. So many happy memories. You were my best friend and always will be.  

Link to Michael's obituary

It never happened

 

I can't remember like I used to

There are gaps and spaces

that are completely lost.

It's not like I've forgotten

but rather it never happened. 

 

A horizon that keeps retreating

 

I am stuck in hopelessness,

overwhelmed at the distance.

I'm supposed to just look at each step

one at a time 

but I can't help but be discouraged.

It is all too far,

without guarantees.

What if it is a mirage,

a horizon that keeps receding,

unattainable

forever.

Why do I want to put myself through that?

Why not cut the journey short, 

where I realize the destination

I've always been travelling towards;

where I can achieve the reward

right now,

and be content with who I'm destined to be.

 

Begin

   

Don't put off starting your journey to recovery Don't be overwhelmed by the distance. Just start with one step.

Where am I now

  

You always told me I was important to you. You complimented my words and made sure I knew you were sincere. You shared my dreams You inspired me to continue. You were my confidence. My promise. Where am I now?

I can't grieve

  

One devastating side effect of depression medication (at least for me) is the inability to cry. Sorrow becomes hollow. Grief meaningless. When I think of my friend I wish I could mourn him properly instead of feeling numb.

 

I miss you.

  

I miss you. I mourn my loss. I wish I could cry to release my sorrow. I wish I had tears  to express my grief. I feel so very much alone.

Listen to music

 

Listen to music purposefully not as background noise Listen to each note Shut your eyes and lose yourself in the melody and slip away from depression if only for a moment.

Triggered

The other day I was triggered. In an instant my mind was reeling My purpose was reduced to a single thought. There was no other option. In the moment the best strategy  was to write it down, to take deep breaths and write it down. The first draft was terrible But it gave me the pause I needed  and with each rewrite I stepped further back. until I had gained enough space to stay safe.

Thank you

 

You don't know it now but your future self  will thank you. Stay safe

It's a curse

It's a curse to be inspired to write words that no one will ever read.

Until I could take no more

For most of my life I have protected people from my depression I did everything I could to hide my struggle. but it doubled my burden crushing the load until I could take no more and so one morning I woke up and summoned my courage and reached out for help. Stay safe

Removed due to violating community guidelines

 I got a warning on TikTok that I violated community guidelines.  This is what I posted:

A black hole drifts through my thoughts

 

A black hole drifts through my thoughts, 

randomly eclipsing memories 

leaving behind an empty space 

that’s so deep and dark

I can’t find the words.   

It’s troubling  

to draw a complete blank

when you know you should know

It’s troubling

to think

that it’s only getting worse.