Insomnia

 

I don't want to be awake anymore so I keep rehearsing my death. Ask for my plan and I will give you more detail than what you think is safe. Every night I pray for mortality; for a life that ends.

If you were told

If you were told you have to live your life all over again, without changing a single thing, would you be happy or sad?

Your Story

Come sit with me for a while and I'll tell you your story. It won't take long. I've watched from afar and have stood by your side. I know all the details:  the hollow dreams the heartfelt wishes the prayers the loneliness I'm the only one who understands; the only one who has shared your burden Come sit with me  now. Share my blanket, throw it over your shoulders and melt into it's warm embrace. Soon it'll all be over. Your ears will rush then fall silent. Your thoughts will scatter then disappear. Your mind will clench and then relax and in that moment that very last moment, your story will end.

Cognitive constriction

I'll wait here hidden behind your happy thoughts, biding my time while you smile and laugh. I mingle in your every breath. and feel your air rush through my fingers knowing that one day I will close my fist. No one will see it coming. Not even you. Only in the moment of cognitive constriction will you realize it's finally over.

Believe

I set a goal for myself, to write one word today, nothing ambitious or profound, just one word to start again, just one word to show the way. Believe.

Butterflies

Where have all the butterflies gone? What happened to the thrill of living; That breathless anticipation Fluttering inside my chest. Where did it go? Why did they leave?

Happiness or hope

Which is better happiness or hope? Can you have one without the other?

I want to feel worthwhile

I want to feel worthwhile I want a peaceful mind that turns away from suicide. I want life to be my greatest accomplishment, not death.

The bully within

Were you bullied as a kid? I'm asked that often. I'm not really sure why. I know my dad was. I know my best friend was along with many others, but I myself was never directly bullied. Instead I watched in silence as others were attacked. Empathy would surge through my veins but never with enough courage to help. I internalized what I saw shared in the shame and tears, all the while doing my best to blend in so as not to be the next target. I succeeded. I was never bullied by another. Over the years though I became my own worst enemy. Using the cruel words of others I have bullied myself to the edge. Relentless in his criticism, ruthless with his words the bully within has cut me down again and again draining me of my worth and self compassion. I just want it to stop. I just want the bully to go away.

Lots of people have helped me

Lots of people have helped me but none have truly healed me. I guess that's more my failing than theirs. They can give me all the tools in the world, but if I don't use them it is my fault I fail.

I don't believe in the devil

I don't believe in the devil but I hear his voice every night whispering in my ear, "Do it, win or lose, just do it." My grip on the bed sheets is all that keeps me safe.

The possibilities of the moment

Living is not about creating the future or fixing the past. It's about opening yourself up to the possibilities of the moment.

Always been there

It's something  that has always been there waiting; waiting for my heart to open so it can rush in to fill the void.

What can I say?

What can I say? What can I possibly say That will make any sense? I am living a lie, tapping words into my phone that are selfish and cruel, all the while smiling and being polite. You have all been so kind. I wish you could understand how much you've meant to me. I love you all that is why I feel physically ill thinking about the pain I'll cause. Right in the pit of my stomach I'm crushed. I see my family soar, their confidence spellbinding I love them all so deeply. Why am I doing this? Why am I being so hurtful? Why am I sending them hurling off course? I can't explain. It just is. I am sorry. I am truly sorry.

Brittle bones

Bones, brittle and dry stitched together with knotted sinew; covered with raw muscle and a thin glaze of translucent skin. That is all I am; all I feel. I'm tired.

Suicide Note

Let my life be my suicide note. Remember the happy times we shared together. Don't focus on these last words. They're not the real me. They're flat thoughts with deflated meaning. They're all I can think of in this last moment. How I lived was who I was: patient, compassionate, thoughtful, and creative. No one ever truly knew the constant thoughts that hollowed out my mind. I didn't let you. Please don't let this one mistake change who I was to you. Please remember me as a kind man who liked to write.

Beyond Worthy

Why is the thought of being happy so difficult, so daunting? What is it about the future that frightens me? Perhaps it's my past. I've never been anything more than promising; anything more than two years away from two years away. Happiness for me is a leap of faith, of letting go, of jumping out. It's a surrender of my greatest possession in exchange for some thing I can't even hold in my hand. Death is tangible. Happiness is not. Besides, am I even worthy of it? You've fought hard for so many years You've turned back so many dark thoughts You've saved yourself so many times. You're beyond worthy. Happiness is your reward, even if it's just fleeting, like a breath of fresh air. Don't think about how you got here or where you' re going, just close your eyes, just for a moment, and smile.

I binge

I'm discouraged and ashamed of myself so I binge and binge until I'm discouraged and ashamed of myself.

It's how I feel

It's how I feel, not who I am.

No dreams

I'm too old to have dreams. I fall asleep so easily now, no  interruptions no thoughts no more.