Reading

 

I love looking at pictures of people reading.  They are sitting in a physical space while their imagination creates another realm.  Their senses ignore their surroundings and instead feast on carefully chosen words.  They are inspired and entertained. They are frightened and enamoured.  You have no idea where their thoughts rest. They are gods. 

Flash Fiction

 

Over the last couple of days I have been engaged in various flash fiction challenges. For those unfamiliar with the genre, there are apparently five categories of flash fiction according to Reedsy.  They are:

1. Flash fiction: Max 1,500 words.
2. Sudden fiction: Max 750 words.
3. Drabble, or microfiction: Max 100 words.
4. Twitterature: Max 280 characters.
5. Six-word story: Any story with a single-digit word count is a category unto itself.

I have submitted two drabble or microfiction stories.  I will share them here once they have been rejected by the editorial department.

Of course the most famous flash fiction is Hemingway's the six word story: 

For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.

Slava Ukraini

I have been silent here for almost two months. For most of that time the words just didn't come. I am troubled by the war in Ukraine. I will never understand how one group of people can be so cruel to another; how quickly violence escalates itself. 

It reminds me of the fall of Troy described in Virgil's Aeneid. The honour and respect the Greeks and Trojans had for one another complete collapses on the final day of the war.  Valor and respect among comrades in arms vanishes, consumed instead by a barrage of wonton violence. 

Achilles' son Pyrrhus is not a hero. He is not honourable like his father. He is brutal and vicious, without any regard for life or station.  He kills King Prium's son right in front of his eyes, then drags the old man through his own son's blood then cuts off his head on the sacred altar. The once proud king, known through out the world as fair and wise is left to rot as a sine nomine corpus (a corpse without a name).

It is impossible for me to read Book Two without seeing the horrors of Ukraine.  The brutality of the fall of Troy, resonates too closely.

Why does this keep happening?

Anger

To solve this crisis don't feel shame or guilt,

rather feel anger and urgency.

We can and we will

 

I am disappointed in Canada. The residential school revelations. The Muslim attack in London.  I am proud of Canada. Finally taking the First Nation challenges more seriously. Marching 10,000 strong in solidarity against hatred.  We can do better and we will.

My experiences with Virtual Mental Healthcare

I have been asked many times what I think about virtual mental heathcare. My experience over the last few years has been mixed. Technical glitches are frustrating and the effectiveness of video calls is definitely not the same as an in-person visit but for now e-health is the safest way forward.

My first experience with virtual healthcare was not positive. It happened prior to COVID-19. I was in crisis and had called the suicide prevention hot-line. The person who answered told me I had the wrong number and that I needed to call the health unit in my region. They provided no assistance, not even the correct number to call. I was stunned. I didn't bother to call the other line. Reaching out for help in a crisis requires a great deal of strength that can't easily be sustained. Instead I rolled up in a ball on my bed, took slow breaths, all the while telling myself that if I moved I would act.

When COVID-19 hit last year all appointments became virtual. My family doctor preferred telephone contact, which is my least favourite form of communication. I often adjust what I say and how I say it by people's expressions. On the phone that's not possible. This means that I often cut our conversations short which is not really ideal for a mental health check in. Nevertheless we continued on for a bit and then one day for some reason she was unable to call me. My doctor said her number was blocked by my home phone. We tried to get in touch on three separate occasions in the fall of 2020. I had no idea what had changed. Again, once the wind was out of my sails, I didn't take up rowing. Sorting out technical problems was too much effort. We haven't talked since.

My psychiatrist uses Zoom technology to conference. Our appointments are also very short. Our sessions include not only him but his psychiatric nurse as well as a student psychiatrist. I find seeing all three faces looking at me at the same time unnerving. With an in-person session, I can focus on talking to one person or, if I choose, I can just look at the space in front of my shoes. In the Zoom call, I feel obligated to look at everyone, to look into their eyes, which I find overwhelming. I try to figure out what they are thinking instead of focusing on sharing my own concerns and challenges. I always shut down the conversation as soon as possible.

My therapist and I meet over a video conferencing program called VSee. It was easy to install and we have not had any technical glitches. It's definitely helpful, though I find our sessions are not as effective as in-person appointments. Much of the progress made in a therapy session is in the pauses, the silent reflections on core beliefs or concerns. In-person, my therapist is patient. She lets me think and process our discussions. Over the video conferencing app I find the silent bits awkward. It's not anything my therapist does. It is just the nature of the technology. We are doing the best we can.

Other distractions don't help, including the clock at the bottom right of my screen and my own face in the upper right. In my therapist's office there are no clocks, at least none that I can see. I don't worry about finishing up “on time” or if I have wasted too much time on a certain topic. Likewise, seeing my face is also distracting. It breaks my train of thought especially since I am wearing noise cancelling headphones. I look ridiculous. 

Virtual mental healthcare will never completely replace in-person appointments. From my experience it has a ways to go. For now though we have to stay safe. We have to do our best to adapt and get the most out of the technology available. Today, more than ever we need to hold on. 

A version of this article has been published on The Mighty. 

I need to engage if I want to feel hope

Fall has been challenging for me both for the obvious reason (COVID) and the not so apparent (my depression and anxiety.)  The poetic have been locked away. I still have ideas in my head but my pessimism and despair has held my hand from writing. 

Lately though, I feel I have turned a corner. I have been reading a lot of Kurt Vonnegut and it has inspired me. No poems are on the immediate horizon but I hope to add other types of content and breath life into this Blog, even if it is just a few words every couple of days. I need to engage if I want to feel hope.