Begin

   

Don't put off starting your journey to recovery Don't be overwhelmed by the distance. Just start with one step.

Triggered

The other day I was triggered. In an instant my mind was reeling My purpose was reduced to a single thought. There was no other option. In the moment the best strategy  was to write it down, to take deep breaths and write it down. The first draft was terrible But it gave me the pause I needed  and with each rewrite I stepped further back. until I had gained enough space to stay safe.

Thank you

 

You don't know it now but your future self  will thank you. Stay safe

Until I could take no more

For most of my life I have protected people from my depression I did everything I could to hide my struggle. but it doubled my burden crushing the load until I could take no more and so one morning I woke up and summoned my courage and reached out for help. Stay safe

You are important to me

 

You are important to me.

Even though we've never met,

I recognise your struggle,

and share in your pain and perseverance.

To have come this far, 

to have said no,

time and time again, 

even when every thought screamed for relief,

you chose life.  

You are remarkable.

You are important to me. 

 

    

 

You can't give up now

Image by Freepik

You can't give up now.

You've made it so far.

Take it slow if you need to

but don't stop

Take a breath if you want to

but don't fade.

Remember,

each step crushes the Critic.

each step is your own reward.

Look head and understand

you are important. 

 

In death...

 

In death, there is contentment,

but in life, there is joy.

 

Joy

 

I have the capacity for joy

but not the confidence to embrace it.

 

My mind is always creating

My mind is always creating whether in a dark space with destructive thoughts swirling round infinitely inevitably, leaving my brain stuck in itself or in a spring day with my imagination engaged molding meaning excited exuberant expanding without limit or cause If only I could force one into the other but I can't stop the dark thoughts with metaphors and meaning; and the happy creations are immune to destruction.

My Cure

 

My cure does not come from pills but rather words, not from bandages but rather thoughts.

* Metacognition wordle by Nancy Smith

A Conversation with Death

 

I posted another short story to ReedsyPrompts entitled A Conversation with Death. 

I used the prompt: story about someone facing death for the first time in their life

I wrote this piece by taking my optimistic poetry and juxtaposing it against my more depressed verses. 

Most popular TikTok

This is my most popular TikTok to date. 1080 views. 57 likes.  

(I typically get around 200 views and 5 likes)

CLICK HERE

@edwardcorwin26 Depression as a disease#mentalhealth #mensmentalhealth #depression ♬ original sound - Corwin

I have been calm of late

I have been calm of late. My anxiety is the lowest it's been in years And when it does flare up  CBT can quickly check it. I still wish to die in my sleep every night but I don't wake up defeated. I'm disappointed with my weight but I'm committed to eating well It's not a failure or a setback. It just is and I'll bring it down. I've done it in the past I can do it again. My creativity has been focused on  one more revision. I'm not procrastinating I'm improving. I can feel creative momentum  I'm confident I can grab hold. I'm ready.

Christmas songs are powerful

I like Christmas music. It is full of nostalgia. Some songs more than others.  Some have a key lyric that triggers a memory, a feeling or a thought. The following are some of the songs that strike the deepest chords, the ones I embrace every year.


Home for the holidays

"from Atlantic to Pacific,
gee the traffic is terrific"

This rhyme is unexpected and makes me smile every time. It has also become a chuckle between my daughter and I. Happy moments remembered each year makes these line special.



Have yourself a merry little Christmas

"Through the years
We'll always be together
If the Fates allow"

This used to trigger my depression. It highlights our happy intentions that in the end are beyond our control. After hearing it so many times at work, I am able to handle this song better though these particular lines still makes me sad.



Happy Xmas

"So this is Christmas and what have you done?
Another year over, a new one just begun."

These lines hit me hard. When I looking back over the year each Christmas I feel like I have done very little. My dreams are still beyond my reach and I have not really done much.



Frosty the Snowman

"Frosty the Snowman (snowman)
Knew the sun was hot that day (hot that day)
So he said, "Let's run, and we'll have some fun
Now before I melt away."

Now I know this is just a silly song but these lines hit me as existential, the fleeting meaning of life. We are all snowmen. Let's have some fun before we melt away. I think way too much!



Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer

"All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games"

The other reindeer are bullies. They make Rudolph's life miserable. They only appreciate who he is after Rudolph accomplishes an extraordinary feat (he saves Christmas). The vast majority of us never get that chance. There is nothing you can do that will make people suddenly change their opinion of you. Most of us are shut out of the "reindeer games" forever. We will never be extraordinary.



Baby it's cold outside

"Say, what's in this drink."

I realize this is suppose to be a harmless song, more coy than anything but this lyric has not aged well.



Silver Bells

"Strings of streetlights even stop lights blink a bright red and green
As the shoppers rush home with their treasures"

I love these lines. They remind me of when I used to do all my own shopping. I would go into the city in search of just the right gifts. I often had no idea what I was going to buy my friends and family so the trip was always a quest that covered the Eaton's Centre and the shops  all around. Heading home, my purchases were definitely "treasures".



It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

"There's a tree in the Grand Hotel, one in the park as well
It's the sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow"

This song reminds me of going downtown and seeing the magic of all the lights and decorations of the Eaton Centre, the tall Christmas trees at City Hall, the festive windows of the Bay.



Silent night

"Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright"

These lines remind me of a mid-night Christmas eve service service at church. Snowflakes  were falling softly outside when my Dad leaning over and whispering "Merry Christmas" at exactly 12 o'clock.

Christmas songs are definitely powerful. I enjoy many of the memories they highlight. That said though, by the end of the holidays I am happy to more back to non-Christmas music.
By then it is time to move on and make new memories.

I have changed my diagnosis

I have changed my diagnosis. I used to always say I suffered from depression, anxiety and suicide ideation. It was a disease I was fighting like cancer. It was win or lose. I lived in the hope that one day my medication and therapy would beat the disease, or at least send it into indefinite remission.

At our first appointment I remember telling my psychiatrist that suicide felt like the calm of a
shady river bank while life itself was the chaotic turmoil of the rapids below. Anxiety and fear felt like drowning. The doctor assured me that after treatment I would feel the exact opposite. Poor mental health would be the turmoil in the middle of the river while life itself was the calm on the bank. It was a promise I wanted to believe, after all hope is hard to resist.

But after four years, countless medication changes, dose adjustments, five different therapists, two different CBT workshops, three stints in hospital one of which lasted 6 weeks, it hasn't happened. I still get anxious. Suicide still seduces me with its promise of calm, its shady river bank safe from the turbulent river. I admit the rapids are not as chaotic as they once were, the overwhelming sense of drowning has settled but am I cured? No. Will I ever live without anxiety or suicide ideation. No. Without depression? No.

I have resigned myself to the fact, I will always have symptoms in varying degrees. Life still lives in the rapids and whirlpools. My thinking has not flipped. My psychiatrist lied. But at least now with therapy and medication, I have a life jacket and at times even a raft which I can pull myself up onto to escape the turmoil of living.

There is no cure. But there is a way to manage the distress and each day I get better at it. I have let go of the idea of being "all better". I no longer assess my progress based on how far I am away from a "normal" life. I no longer see myself as suffering from depression but rather living with it. I have decided my condition is more like diabetes than cancer. I have tools and strategies to manage the "glucose levels" in my brain. Do I sometimes make mistakes and let my thoughts get out of control? Yes. And the suicide ideation can be strong. But now I recognize the calm of the river bank is permanent. It's where life ends. And so I do my best to swim, to hold onto my safeties, my therapy, my meds and my resilience. The difference now from when I first sought help is that I now know I can do it. I know I can live.

Suicide in Canada: Key Statistics

Click here to view infographic

According to the latest statistics, eleven Canadians die from suicide every day, 4000 every year. So where do I fit in?

Well, first of all, I belong to a high risk age group (45-59 years old). A third of all suicides belong in this cohort. Second, as a man, I am 3 times more likely than a woman to take my own life.

My infographic profile though is even more specific. I belong to the 2.5% of Canadians who have had thoughts of suicide over the past year and to the 4% of those who have actually made plans at some point in their life. In addition, I belong with the 3.1% who have made a suicide attempt.

While many of the stats appear to be low percentages, don't lose sight of the fact that the actual numbers of completed suicides in Canada is quite high. Overall, it is the 9th leading cause of death in Canada, 4th among males who are between 50 and 54 years old.

I check off a lot of the high risk boxes and if I let the dark thoughts take hold, all I see is the stats stacked against me; that suicide is inevitable. 

The numbers though don't show the complete picture. There are lots of other people out there fighting as hard as I am. There is more than just the disease. There is help, medication, therapy and the sheer will to succeed.  

The number of survivors with mental health challenges far outweighs those who have completed suicide. I belong to the 64% of people who have a serious mental illness who are currently receiving treatment.(US data). I have a therapist and a psychiatrist.

Mental health therapy reduces the risk of suicide. According to a Danish report, talk therapy alone reduced the number of repeat suicide attempts and completions by 25%. Moreover, 80% of those who have sought therapy indicated they were better off than those who hadn't (US data).  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in particular has helped 75% of participants including myself.(US data).

Statistics can be deceiving. While they should not be ignored, they should also not be considered a line of destiny. I may be a cohort, an age group, a gender at risk but none of these stats define me specifically. And so I tell myself that nothing is inevitable, that I am strong and can push through, that I can make it and not be another suicide stat, even if it is just for today.

How my covid mask helps with anxiety

When you have glasses, wearing a mask can be challenging.  The Covid fog is a nuisance.  With a bit of adjusting though you can minimize the impact. The fabric, shape and design of your mask all play a part. After a bit of trial and error, an effective combination can limit fog due to regular breathing or environmental conditions such as moving from wintery frost to a comfy fire. It took me a while but I finally found a tolerable mask combination only to discover that I still had unexpected and severe fogging episodes. At first I was puzzled and more than a bit  frustrated and then I realized these occasions were tied directly to my level of anxiety. Something was triggering my body's response even before I realized it. The fog and its severity were an indication of my own mental state. At first this insight seemed to double the effect. I crumbled, overwhelmed  by my own anxiety and its relentless pursuit. But then I realized that instead of being a new symptom of despair, the fog could be used as an early warning sign.  Now, the moment my vision begins to cloud, I stop and take stock of what I am doing. I ask myself if my reaction is due to some real threat or are my thoughts distorting the situation. I reflect using my CBT training to identify my thinking patterns, to determine if I am catastrophizing or labelling or something else. I then take a few deep breaths, do a quick body scan to reset and restore myself and then finally consider how best to manage my reaction, how best to prevent my anxiety from escalating out of control.  By stepping back to think about my thinking I have found the fog dissipates and I can begin managing a crisis even before I realized one was building. Rather than a nuisance, the fog has become a very helpful tool.  It helps to challenge my cognitive distortions and let me live with a more balanced and helpful outlook. A version of the article has been published on The Mighty.

The corpse on my back

One day I'll lay down with the corpse on my back Just not today.

Believe

I set a goal for myself, to write one word today, nothing ambitious or profound, just one word to start again, just one word to show the way. Believe.

I am awesome

I am awesome, that's what I'm suppose to say that's what I'm suppose to believe. "Repeat it enough times," they say, "and the mantra will come true."