Listen to music

 

Listen to music purposefully not as background noise Listen to each note Shut your eyes and lose yourself in the melody and slip away from depression if only for a moment.

Puff the magic dragon

 

Lately these lyrics have been devastating:

dragons live forever, but not so little boys

It starts with an idea.

 

It starts with an idea,

a word

a turn of phrase

a simple tune. 

then a chord

some harmonies

and a catchy bass line

the rush as it all comes together

practised and refined 

inspiring

finally it is ready!

Next comes the money

beg, borrow and steal

rent the studio

hire the sound engineer.

to create the digital code

Get an agent

or sign with a label

or do it all yourself

You release your original content    

and I hear it!

Over the tinnie grocery store speakers

as I restock the shelf.

I don't recognise the tune

it is simply sound meant to soften 

the murmur of shoppers 

and their squeaky carts 

It's not familiar

and never will be 

it's white noise that 

I'll never hear again.   

What to expect when your brain wants to kill you excerpt from chapter: MUSIC

I use music in many different ways to manage my mental health. Sometimes, it's easy to forget the importance of those around you. One strategy I use is to make a playlist for each of my children. They are both a work in constant process created over years.

When I hear a song that evokes a memory about them, I add it to their Spotify list on my phone. More often than not, the actual lyrics have nothing to do with the memory connected to it. Instead, it was whatever was happening at the time I heard it.


My son's playlist includes everything from the Wiggles (Hot Potato) to Frank Sinatra (New York, New York) to Young MC (Busta Move). One reminds me of the live Wiggles concert we went to together at Roger's Centre, the other of New Year's Eve in front of the TV watching Time’s Square, and finally, when, as a man, he went up on stage in Mexico and sang Karaoke.

On my daughter's playlist, Coleman Hell (Fireproof) recalls when we hid from a torrential downpour in Ottawa, giggling at getting under cover just in time. Also included on her list is the song Attention by Charlie Puth. We always laugh and sing along to the misheard lyrics, "You've been running 'round, running 'round, running 'round, throwing that turtle on my name."


I rarely actually listen to the playlists. Instead, I scroll down and review the memories, letting each one flourish inside me. If I listen to one of the songs in another context or hear it on the radio, I shut my eyes and suspend myself in the happy moment. If I hear a new song that triggers a specific memory of my children, I add it to their playlists.

I also have my own playlists. One is called "Up," while the other is "Down." “Up” is full of positive lyrics and/or upbeat music, such as TNT by AC/DC, Take On Me by A-ha, It's A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong, Sympathy with the Devil by the Rolling Stones, Return To Innocence by Enigma, Octopus's Garden by the Beatles. Unlike my children’s playlists mine are not associated with memories. It is the how the song itself effects me, how specific lyrics resonate. Some are romantic, some reflective, some have infectious bass lines, while others are just whimsy and escape.




"Down" has songs of defeat or despair, such as Creep by Radiohead, Have You Ever Seen The Rain by CCR, Not Tonight by Depeche Mode, Forever Young by Alphaville, Black Parade by My Chemical Romance (which I used in a video Obit I made for myself.), and Happens to the Heart by Leonard Cohen. I also include Don't Stop Believing by Journey. Some people see this song as hopeful and encouraging. I just feel like a failure. You will note that the playlist does not adhere to any genre of music or musical era. They are just songs that strike a chord and hold me in their grasp. They have one lyric that I can’t dispute or there is a devastating chord change that influences the emotion.




Both playlists are lengthy and robust, but they only reinforce my current emotion. They don't influence the opposite mood. If I’m feeling depressed and put on the “Up” playlist, nothing will happen. It won’t change my perspective. If anything, it gets me annoyed. The critic dismisses the songs as frivolous. After the first few notes, it immediately feels wrong, and I stop listening. If I’m already happy, though, the music lives inside me. I become light on my feet and glide on the lyrics and the melody. If I am alone, I might even dance foot loose and free. I even surprise myself!




Similarly, listening to the “Down” list when I’m happy feels wrong. I turn it off immediately. When I am low, though, the playlist is my companion. The words and melodies are like earworms that further reinforce my depression. They don’t push me to suicide but rather to spend time in conversation with the critic.


If I happen to hear any of my playlist songs in public, I’m immediately triggered. An “Up” song puts a smile on my face and a pep in my step, while a song from “Down” triggers my depression and the critic appears.

A-ha - A Guilty Pleasure

 

It's iconic eighties synth-pop but it always leaves me with a smile. I remember coming home from school and turning on Much Music just to watch.  I was spellbound by the distinct animation flow and the overly aggressive motorcycle racers/mechanics.  

There were even a few lyrics that spoke to my mental health.  From what I understand, my interpretation was not what was intended by Pal, Morten and Magne but it's what I hear every time I listen. 

So needless to say I'm odds and ends I'll be stumbling away Slowly learning that life is OK Say after me It's no better to be safe than sorry Take on me, (take on me) Take on me, (take on me) I'll be gone in a day or two

Of course the follow up single, the Sun Always Shines on TV was just as exciting for me with it's somber tone and troubled lyrics. According to the song writer (Pal Waaktaar), the song is about the power of television and the way television presents life.  Again my relationship with the lyrics is more personal. Below I've bolded the words which resonate the most with my inner mind.  Don't forget to watch the music video below.

Touch me How can it be Believe me The sun always shines on T.V Hold me Close to your heart Touch me And give all your love to me To me... I Reached inside myself And found nothing there To ease the pressure off My ever worried mind All my powers waste away I fear the crazed and lonely looks The mirror's sending me These Days Touch me How can it be Believe me The sun always shines on T.V Hold me Close to your heart Touch me And give all your love to me Please don't ask me to defend The shameful lowlands Of the way I'm drifting Gloomily through time (Touch me) I reached inside myself today (Give all your love) Thinking there's got to be some way To keep my troubles distant Hold me Close to your heart Touch me And give all your love to me

The unplugged version ft. Ingrid Helene Håvik is awesome too!

I'm fine

"I'm fine."  It is a phase I say a lot. 

What does it mean? 

It means that I don't want to share my true feelings. It means I am protecting you from my thoughts which I am certain you will find distressing.  It means I am giving you permission to not be concerned about me. I said I'm fine so we can move on to other topics of conversation, something neutral like the weather.  It means I'm feeling overwhelmed, my anxiety has been triggered and I need to shut down and reset. It means please don't push me any further or I might crumble. 

I'm fine. Let's just move on.

Aeneas and the fall of Troy

I heard Albinoni's Adagio in G Minor the other day and it immediately took me back to my university days. This music in the my soundtrack to Book 2 of the Aeneid which describes the tragic fall of Troy.

The most powerful image is of Aeneas abandoning the burning city carrying his father on his shoulder,  his son by his side with his wife following behind. This painting is not exactly the picture in my mind but it does a pretty good job.  (And given that my painting skills are extremely limited, this will do nicely.)

The Adagio prompted me to reread and immerse myself once again in the vivid words of Virgil's imagination.  I find it puzzling that the Aeneid has never been made into a blockbuster movie or TV mini series.  It is a story about refugees and their search for a new home promised to them by the gods. There is war, adventure, romance and betrayal. There are fantastic creatures, the underworld and vengeful gods. You would think it has all the ingredients of a successful production. Too bad I am not interested in writing a screenplay.

Adagio in G Minor (Albinoni)

Rachmaninov - Symphony 2, Adagio

 

My favorite part of my favorite symphony. It has been described as the unfurling of a "never-ending cascade of characteristically lush and opulent melodies, each one bound to speak directly to the heart." 

It will be performed by the TSO  in their upcoming concert season (April 1, 2022) . 

It completely embodies Rachmaninov's famous description of what music is:

What is Music? How do you define it? Music is a calm moonlit night, the rustle of leaves in Summer. Music is the far off peal of bells at dusk! Music comes straight from the heart and talks only to of Poetry and her Mother is sorrow!

 

I wish I could be confident that I will attend but it is too far away.  Even just the thought scares me.

Octopus's Garden

A simple song. A basic ukulele cover.  Wishful lyrics about an escape from it all.  Yes, I too would like to go and live in an Octopus's garden.

The original is just as inviting.

Another Octopus song.  This one is also an escape, but this time it's an escape back to my past, and those carefree moments I spent with my young children. I will never forget the smiles we shared.

Even the instrumental is relaxing.

Octopuses (I always thought it was Octopi) themselves are fascinating creatures. Three hearts, blue blood, intelligent, cellular suicide after laying eggs - what's not to love?

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

I think this TikToc is well done. The poem not mine. It was written by David Romano. Unfortunately the one minute TikTok time limit cuts the poem short.  The full poem is quoted below.

If tomorrow starts without me

If tomorrow starts without me and I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.

 

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me, I know that you’ll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

 

And said my place was ready, in heaven far above,

And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away a tear fell from my eye,

For all my life I’d always thought I didn’t want to die.

 

I had so much to live for, so much left to do,

It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,

I thought of all we shared and all the fun we had.

 

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

So, when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me, I’m right there in your heart.