Excerpt from Oblivion: Outsiders

Early on in my life I realized that there were “outsiders”, those who were picked-on, excluded and made fun of and so I made it my ambition to never stand-out.  In the media, in entertainment, the outsiders are glorified and made triumphant (Revenge of the Nerds, Forest Gump, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer) but in reality, everyone knows this is a quaint fantasy.  

Most people are not capable of opinion altering feats, in fact most people are never even given the opportunity. They’re classified and excluded from the reindeer games forever.   My chameleon abilities allowed me to befriend teachers and bullies, gays and geeks.  No matter the situation, I was never an outsider.  I never had to prove myself worthy because no one really took notice. It was a comfort to barely exist.

If instead of when

I wish I could be confident in the future, that suicide was an if not a when, only a possibility not inevitable, but I can't make that jump, the gap is too large.

Not suicide. Not today

Stumble

I suffer from a lack of resilience. I stumble at the first hurdle and clutch suicide to break my fall. It is not about getting back up rather it's the peace of just laying there regardless of what others say.

Cognitive constriction

I'll wait here hidden behind your happy thoughts, biding my time while you smile and laugh. I mingle in your every breath. and feel your air rush through my fingers knowing that one day I will close my fist. No one will see it coming. Not even you. Only in the moment of cognitive constriction will you realize it's finally over.

Thank you

"You are important to me." Your words stop my thoughts. They aren't a plea or a platitude. I didn't solicit them. You didn't buy them in card. They are a statement,  a declaration that came straight from your heart, meant only for me. Thank you

Listen

I can hear all the people calling me back, searching the wilderness for me, praying outloud, shouting my name. Why don't they leave me alone?  Why can't they be quiet, and listen to the birds, like I do; their cheery call, echoing back and forth? Just listen. Don't use words. Just breath, and listen and you'll understand why. Let me go.

I have an addiction

I have an addiction. Not with a bottle or a needle or with lusts and desires. It's where I go, chased by my darkest thoughts, where I find relief or at least solace, where I stop and stand my ground, no longer helpless, my life in hand, where that feeling, that power washes over me, euphoria, to stand at the edge to not turn away, where eternity for a moment is mine.

Things end

I want to stay but I don't know how. I don't have the courage to live, but I'm fearless in the face of death. There's no why's,  no if's or but's it's just the way it is. Things end.

The Golden Gate bridge

When you jump off the Golden Gate bridge you have 4 seconds before you hit the water. According to those few who have actually survived the jump the first 2 seconds are fine, surreal and serene,  but on the third your survival instincts kick in; regret overwhelms your thoughts; your limbs flail about desperate to slow your fall. It is the third second that matters that's the barrier you have to push through; that moment that demands your resolve. Anticipate it and be ready  to overcome.

Suicide is not about life or death

Suicide is not about life or death  but rather hope or hopelessness.  It rushes into the vacuum  that despair leaves behind.  It gives purpose  when all reason is gone.  It fills a moment  with eternity, and gives confidence, where none belongs.  It is fearless and fearsome and never betrays your weakness It celebrates your strength,  your power to overcome  the impulse to stop  the impulse to accept and settle  the impulse to live a hopeless life.  It's the answer to "why bother"  The remedy to despair  And the only solution that resonates  When all hope is gone.

Leading to one conclusion

Nothing has happened.  It's all in my head: so many thoughts all at once. I have to lay down. I feel sick to my stomach. My head is pounding, sweat beads on my forehead. My breathing stumbles. I can't catch a thought. I can't focus or be mindful. I'm just confused, too many thoughts leading to one conclusion.

When they were bullied, I was too.

When they were bullied, I was too. I made note of the target his tragic flaws and what made him so susceptible to abuse. Then I made sure I never made the same mistake myself. I lived my life in fear of being bullied. I'm sorry to those I let down I should have been there for you. Instead I ran away and hid.

My last breath

Please let me take my last breath as I settle off to sleep. Let my limbs sink inanimate. Please release me and let me float away unencumbered.

Stop chasing the horizon

Stop chasing the horizon. Don't you know by now that it can never be reached. It's a vision, a vista of broad blue skies and glorious sunsets. It's a dream, a deep breath meant to inspire, not be fulfilled.

Seven years ago

Seven years ago today I watched as she took her last breath. The laboured sound that had wheezed for hours, suddenly stopped. It was over. And in that instant everything about her became a memory. I miss you Mom.

Believe

I set a goal for myself, to write one word today, nothing ambitious or profound, just one word to start again, just one word to show the way. Believe.

Spontaneous affection

Spontaneous affection, just a hug is all I need, a pure moment without motive

Orion

My favourite constellation is Orion. I like it first and foremost because on a cold clear winter night it is easy to find in the sky. The four corner stars are very bright. Once you find it and your eyes adjust to the darkness, you can discern his belt, the three dimmer stars across the middle. If you keep looking and the night is just right, you can see his dagger hanging off his belt: even dimmer stars in a column. And on very special nights, far from cities and stress you can actually see the Great Orion Nebula - a cloud of interstellar gases where stars are actually born. With each thought we share, each story, picture and sound, we see a little more of each other. I am certain if we keep looking, on a very special night, far from our daily lives, we will discover the universe together.