I wish I could explain why

I wish I could explain why. I have tried so many times before, approaching the problem from many different angles. But each time I have tried, I have failed because I have never made my distorted perspective understood If I was to try again and sum it up in a handful of words I would say "My thoughts don't matter. They are written in water and forgotten in the wind." Most people say, "So what? You are kind, patient and loved. Your integrity and honesty are respected, your loyalty is cherished, your humour enjoyed. You are blessed with health and family and everything you need." All of this I know and truly appreciate but I want to amount to something not just be fortunate. "Perhaps one day you will," goes the familiar appeal. "You never know. Don't give up. Be determined. Work hard. Be confident. Have hope. You can't know the future." But I can. I am living in it right now and nothing has changed. The stream just keeps flowing. Over my entire life I have always tried to do what was right and I have watched as my life's passion eroded with each new priority taken on. I am tired. And now the very act of living, completing what has to get done, seems like a failure. I just want it to end.