What to expect when your brain wants to kill you excerpt from chapter: THE CRITIC

You've been coiled around my brain for so long
I thought you were me;
your whispers so common,
I thought they were mine. 

This is the most challenging chapter to write. This is the topic I fear the most. 

The Critic has been part of my life since I can remember. A voice that amplifies everything I do wrong, that offers suicide as a relief. I don't actually hear a voice; instead, it is an internal dialogue that drowns out every other thought. The Critic tells me I am destined to die by suicide and that my greatest action of free will is choosing when it will happen.  

The Critic is not always blunt. In fact, in most cases, he acts as my greatest ally. Rather than dictating what I must do, he often sympathizes with my concerns and offers relief. 

He recognizes my weaknesses and offers me peace. His ideas are so seductive that, in the moment, they make complete sense. It's only after the fact that I recognize how dangerous and permanent they are.  

I have had many therapists but only one identified and separated out The Critic completely. She set up an empty chair so I could address and directly challenge his assumptions and arguments.  

At times, I even sat in The Critic's chair. The dark thoughts I spewed were vicious; the self-hatred was exhausting. He identified every mistake in my life, real and imagined. He told me that I've accomplished nothing and never will, that I am a failed introvert without confidence and friends. My dreams have no hope of fruition. It is a lie that if you just persevere, you will win, so why bother? I have let down myself so many times. Why try? Writing these words is a waste of time. The Critic's thoughts are relentless and know precisely when to strike. All other words escape me, and I'm left to listen over and over, again and again. I am all I'll ever be. You'll cause pain whenever you choose to go, so why delay any longer?  

The Critic views suicide as my greatest accomplishment. Even better if it is unexpected. I was proud of my last attempt when I caught my pdoc entirely off guard. The Critic told me it was something to be proud of, to wipe away the doctor's smugness. They locked me up in the hospital for eight weeks. Something else to add to my resume.