I am divided

I am divided whether I want to get better or not. There is a sense of satisfaction in surprising my pdoc with a successful suicide. It's a sense of power, of freedom, free will, defiance. It would be my most intimate creation, my ultimate accomplishment. But then I remember how far I have come all the tears I have shed. Sure, they gave me the drugs but it was me who stood on my own who reached out for help. They can be smug if they want but I know the truth. I've done all the heavy lifting I deserve all the credit I can be so much more if only I had confidence. I just don't know where I stand Do I continue to climb with a blind faith it will all get better or do I create and succeed entirely on my own terms?