I live with
depression and chronic suicide ideation. Over the years I have tried
many different medications and I have experienced many different side
effects, everything from dry mouth to a brain fog. It took a while
and a lot of faith in my doctor's intentions to continue following a
path of trial and error. All along I insisted that the positive
effects of any medication had to greatly outweigh any negative
reactions. I was not going to take medication strictly for the sake
of taking medication. It had to work.
The following are the 5
worst side effects I experienced on my mental health medication
journey.
5. Vivid dreams and brain sparks. Any time I laid
down I would instantly be caught up in an all consuming, vibrant
coloured, hyper-realistic dream. And when I wasn't asleep there were
random lighting flashes behind my eyes or, as I called them, brain
sparks. While I found these side effects fascinating I was worried
they were a symptom of some hyper brain activity that over time might
cause permanent damage.
4. Deep sleep. This one was more of a
nuisance than anything. I would sleep so deeply that I would
frequently wet the bed. I also drooled on my pillows, experienced
night sweats and snored. A real treat for my wife. I ended up
sleeping in my own bedroom in the basement separate from the rest of
the family. It was embarrassing and depressing. My self esteem
plummeted. For a time I wore adult diapers to bed and washed my
bedding every morning. My drool would soak straight through my
pillows and would leave a musky odour. For me, living this way was
not an option.
3. Loss of sexual desire. This was not a
performance issue that could be addressed by Viagra or Cialis.
Believe me, I tried. Rather it was one of desire, or worse. Intimacy
never even crossed my mind. Interest in physical contact vanished. I
was chemically castrated. Provocative images, words or sounds no
longer inspired me. It was as if desire had never existed. What made
it even worse was that I didn't even realize what I had forgotten
until I purposely stepped back and thought about it. I felt cheated.
2.
Over eating and rapid weight gain. For my entire life weight has
never been a problem. I was very lucky. If I gained weight over
Christmas from all the treats and chocolates and nuts, I could easily
lose it all by mid-January by simple eating sensibly. I had never had
to diet. But when I went on one particular med I gained 25 pounds
seemingly over night. I suddenly had a middle age “beer belly”
distending over my waistband. I hated what I saw in the mirror and
felt embarrassed to go swimming. This side effect was devastating. It
took me a very long time just to claw back half of what I gained. My
body image still suffers.
1. Lethargy. The worst side effect
I experienced was when I was left sluggish and apathetic. Everything
was heavy. Lead courses through my veins. When I tried to speak
oftentimes I could not find the words. My brain was filled with
cotton batting. My short and long term memory struggled. This side
effect was worse than the disease. Sure, it stopped my emotional
swings, my anxiety and suicide ideation but all it left was a shell.
It was not a side effect. It was replacing one disease with another.
What was the point? I did not stay on this med for long.
Every
mental health medication has the potential to produce a wide range of
side effects. But they can also provide real relief. If you want to
try medication understand it will take time to determine the dosage
and drug combinations that work best for you. Be patient. Tell your
doctor any side effects you experience and work together to improve
your mental health.
I
still live with some side effects in varying degrees, but none of
them are severe. Am I cured? No. I am still in therapy, I still take
my meds but at least now a somewhat normal life seems possible.
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