An episode of agitation

The other day I had an episode of agitation.  It happened on a moment. No warning. No build up.  I suddenly began to pace while juggling a small ball between my hands.  With each step, with each toss my thoughts spun tighter. I couldn't stop myself.  I was completely absorbed in the agitation.

By happy coincidence my adult son was there.  Happy for the outcome not the moment.  I was embarrassed to be in such a state, so isolated in my thoughts.  He had never seen me like that. I had always made sure of it.  This time though, I couldn't hide.

He watched in silence for a few minutes and then reached out, "Are you alright?"  

I couldn't quip my usual "I'm fine."  I was in too deep to fool anyone about my mental health. I could not pretend like I usually did. I tried to breath.  I tried to refocus but my state remained the same.  I was forced to confess I was not doing well.

He watched me in silence as I paced.  He didn't barrage me with questions or immediately try to refocus my thoughts. He didn't tell me to stop.  He let me continue while making sure I knew I was not alone. 

After a few minutes and a few more laps, he said "You have been working a lot lately."  He went and looked at the calendar and confirmed his statement.  He then suggested I take a mental health day.  He offered me a solution to change the situation.  He gave me permission to be agitated and offered a choice.  I knew by this point I was in no position to go to work.  My eyes were filled with tears.  My body was stuck in seemingly perpetual motion.  I tried my best to control my breathing - in for four and out for eight - through my nose out my mouth - but nothing worked.  

He then walked over and explained himself,  "I'll do what mom always does when I get upset." He gave me a big hug.  I stopped moving. The spinning stopped. He had interrupted the agitation.

We then composed a text explaining I would not be in to work that afternoon. The agitation further subsided. 

With my breathing returning to normal, he went off for a moment to call his mother (my wife) to tell her what was happening.  When he came back he told me he had kept "mom in the loop."  He had to go to work so we all decided (my son, my wife and myself) that it would be best if I was not alone.  My wife called my in-laws and arranged for me to stay there for dinner.

I was a little bit hesitant.  I didn't want to explain "why" it had happened or what they could do to help.  To be completely honest I didn't want to talk about it at all.  Happily my in-laws did not raise the topic of my mental health.  We talked about everything but my agitation which helped me to stay calm.  There were no awkward moments and for that I was truly thankful.

By the end of the day it was over. I was exhausted but safe.