Consume not create

I'm trying to force myself to write. Unfortunately, these days I'm consuming far more than I am creating. I'm stuck, afraid of a future that stays to this path, a journey without a destination, where I watch other people's lives on TikTok, where I'm not envious or inspired. Rather I just lay on the bed, scrolling, liking, and following.  

I don't make any of my own  TikToks.  I've no desire to create, no content in mind. Instead, I consume it like soma. It keeps me calm and fills the time. I don't forget, rather I just accept. My mind meds keep me level, no deep depression, no inspiration.

I watch the news a lot, the numbers of infections and deaths. I'm numb to the crisis, in fact a little jealous I can't participate. I pretend I'm informed when I barely pay attention.

The alarm goes. It's I time to wake up.  I work towards my break, my lunch, the end of my shift, the end of my day, my day or two off - always I'm counting down, the minutes, the hours, the days until I can do nothing. I'm no longer anxious about work. It is the scheduled time that I dread. 

Beer is a constant. If I am working the night shift, I look forward to a cold beer when I get home which I drink then go to bed.  If it is a morning shift, I come home and somehow fill it in the time with nothing until 4pm when I can again have a cold beer.  If it is a day off, oftentimes I usually have some sort of errand to run then nothing else. Sometimes I exercise which makes my Pdoc happy.  Whatever I do, at 4pm I can have beer which makes me happy.  The smell, the taste marks the moment. Just one. That's all I need.  I am not drinking to get drunk, or to forget.  It is just something. 

Whatever happens during the day, I'm always eager to go to bed, to go to sleep.  Everything is better there. I tend to sleep ten to twelve hours if I can. I don't want to wake up and I'm disappointed when I do.

Is my life horrible?   No.  I enjoy spending time with my family.  Sometimes I laugh.  I watch as they grow up and choose their futures.  I hope that they will achieve, that they will create their lives, not just consume them.