I don't make New Year's resolutions anymore. For me they always came from a dark place. They identified everything that was wrong with me, real or imagined. They stomped on my self esteem. I was fat and ugly and needed to lose weight. I was lazy and listless without purpose. I needed to apply myself more strictly. Resolutions fed on my insecurities and self-hate.
And of course the moment I failed, which inevitably happened within a couple of days or weeks of the new year, the thoughts pounced even harder, and spiraled out of control.
To further complicate New Year's resolution, I suffer from Chronophobia, a fear of time and the future. Plans made months, weeks or even just a few days in advance overwhelm me. Every night I hope is my last, that time will stop. The idea of doing something new for a whole year is debilitating. I am scared and more certain than ever that suicide will overrun me first.
So instead of making resolutions, I now make a daily list of things I want to accomplish for next day.
Someone not suffering with mental health challenges might think my daily goals are laughable. Spending time with my children and my wife, reading, listening to music, remembering to breath when anxious all might seem like obvious activities that don't need to be itemized but for me they provide the opportunity of accomplishment. I make sure that each is meaningful and achievable. I write down "eat well" instead of eat less or lose weight.
Then before I go to bed I reflect back on what I can check off my list. If there is something I was unable to do, it's not a big deal. I just add it to tomorrow's list and try again. One day I may look to the big picture but for now I live life day to day. It is the only way I know how.
A version of the article has been published on The Mighty.
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