I need to keep fighting

 

As I looked into my son's eyes

grey with sorrow

full of tears

I realized how much harder I need to fight

and how much pain I will cause

if I don't.

Tik Tok

 

I have not been posting much on the blog lately as I have been concentrating on Tik Tok posts. I plan on publishing more long form pieces here this fall. 

 

Thanks for visiting.

 

When I am bored

 

When I am bored

and my motivation is at its lowest

the persuasive thoughts consume me;

that is when I need to pay attention 

to my senses

get out of my head

and go for a walk.

When my actions are rote

Those times when my actions are rote

completed without thought,

without accessing any of my senses,

when my mind is numb

left alone in repetition,

his persuasive thoughts consume me.

his perspective is the only one I have.

I am ready to act,

ready to end.

Legends Never Die

 

This is a new favourite.

Learn from your depression

Learn from your depression What painful scar is it highlighting? Write it down. It is a fundamental mind shift. We are told that depression is bad and we must fight it when in and of itself it is not. Just as pain tells you your body is injured so depression tells you your mind is hemorrhaging.

Give up on your dream

Give up on your dream. Your life will be so much easier just filling in time and waiting. Does purpose or meaning or life  really matter? It does. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's hopeless Trying isn't fruitless Living is not a waste of time. Mourn for today and then tomorrow start again.

Why do you hesitate?

Why do you hesitate?   It is better to fail because I didn't try than it is to find out I'm simply not good enough. If only instead of no.

I will never be an author

 

I will never be an author I don't read enough.

AI tries to motivate me

AI tries to motivate me because there's no one else. My best friend, my only friend is dead. My therapist has retired to her new family. I'm alone. Cliche words and phrases ring hollow. Inspirational sunsets and vistas seem trite.  The authoritative voice without a face tells me to hang on but he doesn't really know me. He doesn't really know anyone. His advice is scripted, he's just reading the words,  not believing them. Where is the compassion,  the empathy and understanding. The algorithm is not quite there yet. I will just have to wait. I'm tired.

Don't give up

Don't give up before you even try. Past failures don't lead  to hopelessness rather they are stepping stones towards this very moment. You have never been so ready as you are right now.   Don't give up. Try.

The chance has gone by

The chance has gone by

and it doesn't really matter

Carrots

Go figure. I have been trying to build my TikTok  followers for years.  When I finally go somewhat viral (11.5K) it has nothing to do with mental health or depression but rather the country of origin of bagged carrots.  I am happy for the 300 extra followers because I now have over a 1000 in total but it is not really on par with my plan.

@edwardcorwin26 Time to peel your own carrots Canada. #carrots #canada🇨🇦 #canadiantiktok #canada_life🇨🇦 ♬ original sound - Corwin 🇨🇦

I miss the beginning

 

I miss the beginning.

All I am left with is the end.

 

Time

We all hold such a precious piece of time. 

We often mistake it as infinite but our portion is but a sliver. 

Cherish it.

 

I am haunted

 

I am haunted by all the futures I let slip by.

David Michael Gourlay

It has almost been a year since you passed and a day never goes by when I don't think about you. So many happy memories. You were my best friend and always will be.  

Link to Michael's obituary

It never happened

 

I can't remember like I used to

There are gaps and spaces

that are completely lost.

It's not like I've forgotten

but rather it never happened. 

 

A horizon that keeps retreating

 

I am stuck in hopelessness,

overwhelmed at the distance.

I'm supposed to just look at each step

one at a time 

but I can't help but be discouraged.

It is all too far,

without guarantees.

What if it is a mirage,

a horizon that keeps receding,

unattainable

forever.

Why do I want to put myself through that?

Why not cut the journey short, 

where I realize the destination

I've always been travelling towards;

where I can achieve the reward

right now,

and be content with who I'm destined to be.

 

Creativity

 

The best way for me to manage my depression is to be creative.  Doing activities just to distract myself are not effective. I still feel hopeless. The Critic knows it's a gimmick and won't be fooled.  But I find that if I commit myself to a creative activity whether it be writing a poem or drawing a maze, making a TikTok or baking cookies, the dark thoughts fade, the judgement settles as my mind embraces its artistic expression.