Begin

   

Don't put off starting your journey to recovery Don't be overwhelmed by the distance. Just start with one step.

What to expect when your brain wants to kill you excerpt from chapter: CBT

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is the darling of mental health treatments. Nearly every therapist I have had has in some way promoted CBT. They tout that study after study has scientifically proven its effectiveness. It’s as if they expect skepticism on the patient’s part, and they are desperate you understand that it is not some wibbly wobbly, cat poster, pseudoscience; that it’s a legitimate treatment. They want you to buy in immediately. 

At its core, it is really just thinking about your thinking, about stepping back and observing your own assumptions and reactions to them, separating fact from your “cognitive distortions.” They use bigger words to make it seem more impressive.  

The therapy is based on paper worksheets, some of which were photocopied and recopied so many times the hand-out was faded and flawed. As I mention in my therapist chapter, a course of therapy typically lasts 4 to 6 weeks. Some therapists’ whole spiel was just working through CBT questionnaires. They would give me homework to read and thought charts to fill in. It was not very helpful. In the end, I was left with pages and pages of proof that I had been therapized, but I still didn’t feel any better. I was told to review the worksheets again on my own and to keep working on them. I was left feeling that it was my fault it didn’t work. 

I never really understood CBT until I was put into a 14-week group therapy series, where each session lasted two hours. It was part of the outpatient services offered by the Psych Hospital, where I was an inpatient for six weeks.

Instead of worksheets, we were given a comprehensive workbook that provided a detailed overview as well as deep insights into CBT. It highlighted the interconnectivity between your thoughts, behaviour, mood, and physical sensations. In other words, if your mood is severely depressed, your behaviour, thoughts, and body will follow that lead. The darkness would then take hold, and your inner critic would have free reign to berate and destroy your self-esteem. The theory goes that if you can improve one of the four, you can lift all four. It encourages you to become your own therapist and use self-talk to calm your own thoughts. The idea is to rewrite your brain, which they confidently declare can be done. Again, they demonstrate more scientific proof that it works. Brain scans have shown changes in brain function before and after treatment.

I am divided

I am divided whether I want to get better or not. There is a sense of satisfaction in surprising my pdoc with a successful suicide. It's a sense of power, of freedom, free will, defiance. It would be my most intimate creation, my ultimate accomplishment. But then I remember how far I have come all the tears I have shed. Sure, they gave me the drugs but it was me who stood on my own who reached out for help. They can be smug if they want but I know the truth. I've done all the heavy lifting I deserve all the credit I can be so much more if only I had confidence. I just don't know where I stand Do I continue to climb with a blind faith it will all get better or do I create and succeed entirely on my own terms?

My Cure

 

My cure does not come from pills but rather words, not from bandages but rather thoughts.

* Metacognition wordle by Nancy Smith

Thoughts

I have a disease. These thoughts aren't my own.

The future is hard to imagine

The future is hard to imagine when you already know the end. The how and why are set, just waiting for the when. But ever since the Star appeared I've followed its constant light; an invitation from Bethlehem to witness that holy night. Embraced in pure compassion,  the angels choired above. They sang of the moment's glory and of a little baby's love. It's not about the future,  or knowing about the end It's not about the waiting or trying to figure when It’s all about that moment that descended from above, to proclaim the simplest message, that you and I are loved.

Thank you

"You are important to me." Your words stop my thoughts. They aren't a plea or a platitude. I didn't solicit them. You didn't buy them in card. They are a statement,  a declaration that came straight from your heart, meant only for me. Thank you

Believe

I set a goal for myself, to write one word today, nothing ambitious or profound, just one word to start again, just one word to show the way. Believe.

I want to feel worthwhile

I want to feel worthwhile I want a peaceful mind that turns away from suicide. I want life to be my greatest accomplishment, not death.

They're indulging me in my fantasy.

They're indulging me in my fantasy. I can tell. Encouraging me on with a smile, knowing full well that my chance has gone by, they never betray what's impossible. Instead they keep leading me on until my stamina is flagging and I realize that I need to put my hopes in a more practical place.

Lots of people have helped me

Lots of people have helped me but none have truly healed me. I guess that's more my failing than theirs. They can give me all the tools in the world, but if I don't use them it is my fault I fail.

The possibilities of the moment

Living is not about creating the future or fixing the past. It's about opening yourself up to the possibilities of the moment.

Always been there

It's something  that has always been there waiting; waiting for my heart to open so it can rush in to fill the void.

Beyond Worthy

Why is the thought of being happy so difficult, so daunting? What is it about the future that frightens me? Perhaps it's my past. I've never been anything more than promising; anything more than two years away from two years away. Happiness for me is a leap of faith, of letting go, of jumping out. It's a surrender of my greatest possession in exchange for some thing I can't even hold in my hand. Death is tangible. Happiness is not. Besides, am I even worthy of it? You've fought hard for so many years You've turned back so many dark thoughts You've saved yourself so many times. You're beyond worthy. Happiness is your reward, even if it's just fleeting, like a breath of fresh air. Don't think about how you got here or where you' re going, just close your eyes, just for a moment, and smile.

Why can't my life be mine?

Why can't my life be mine? Why must it always be abdicated to this disease? to this particular outcome? Why must the kingdom  be razed to the ground for it to matter? Why must the walls and towers be abandoned as if nothing was ever there. I want to believe. I want to listen. I want to share. But why must I resign first? Why must I be stripped bare  and left for nothing? Why can't my life be mine?

It's how I feel

It's how I feel, not who I am.

My glasses are broken

My glasses are broken. I can't see much beyond my feet. My eyes alone are not the best. You see, I need a new prescription; one that will help me see the world as you do: one that will adjust whether it's too dark or too bright; one that will let me see the whole horizon.

Each day I'm trying

For most of my life I've walked with my head down looking at my feet and the shadows I cast. Then one day I'm not exactly sure why You chose me. One day for the first time in my life You roll back my shoulders filled up my lungs and held my head high. What a difference to see the world from your perspective!` I never realized what I was missing until You directed my eyes to the bright blue sky, painted with sunlight and dappled with clouds; to the vibrant trees and fragrant flowers; to people's faces full of life and laughter and so much more. My neck is still too weak to hold my head up for long but each day I'm trying and each day my muscles grow a little bit stronger.

Plato's cave

I was chained in a cave but I've since turned away from those shadows and moved past the fire in search of the true light above.

Recovery

Recovery is not a destination rather it's a choice made over and over again. It's not always easy to make. There are distractions and disappointments but don't worry, you never have to start over you just continue making the right choice again.