Begin

   

Don't put off starting your journey to recovery Don't be overwhelmed by the distance. Just start with one step.

Where am I now

  

You always told me I was important to you. You complimented my words and made sure I knew you were sincere. You shared my dreams You inspired me to continue. You were my confidence. My promise. Where am I now?

I can't grieve

  

One devastating side effect of depression medication (at least for me) is the inability to cry. Sorrow becomes hollow. Grief meaningless. When I think of my friend I wish I could mourn him properly instead of feeling numb.

 

I miss you.

  

I miss you. I mourn my loss. I wish I could cry to release my sorrow. I wish I had tears  to express my grief. I feel so very much alone.

Listen to music

 

Listen to music purposefully not as background noise Listen to each note Shut your eyes and lose yourself in the melody and slip away from depression if only for a moment.

Triggered

The other day I was triggered. In an instant my mind was reeling My purpose was reduced to a single thought. There was no other option. In the moment the best strategy  was to write it down, to take deep breaths and write it down. The first draft was terrible But it gave me the pause I needed  and with each rewrite I stepped further back. until I had gained enough space to stay safe.

Thank you

 

You don't know it now but your future self  will thank you. Stay safe

It's a curse

It's a curse to be inspired to write words that no one will ever read.

Until I could take no more

For most of my life I have protected people from my depression I did everything I could to hide my struggle. but it doubled my burden crushing the load until I could take no more and so one morning I woke up and summoned my courage and reached out for help. Stay safe

Removed due to violating community guidelines

 I got a warning on TikTok that I violated community guidelines.  This is what I posted:

A black hole drifts through my thoughts

 

A black hole drifts through my thoughts, 

randomly eclipsing memories 

leaving behind an empty space 

that’s so deep and dark

I can’t find the words.   

It’s troubling  

to draw a complete blank

when you know you should know

It’s troubling

to think

that it’s only getting worse.

You are important to me

 

You are important to me.

Even though we've never met,

I recognise your struggle,

and share in your pain and perseverance.

To have come this far, 

to have said no,

time and time again, 

even when every thought screamed for relief,

you chose life.  

You are remarkable.

You are important to me. 

 

    

 

I think of you every day

 

I think of you every day.

and miss you all the more.

I need a friend;

someone to listen,

someone to share my life.

I need you

I'm alone.

 

You can't give up now

Image by Freepik

You can't give up now.

You've made it so far.

Take it slow if you need to

but don't stop

Take a breath if you want to

but don't fade.

Remember,

each step crushes the Critic.

each step is your own reward.

Look head and understand

you are important. 

 

Depression is not a choice

 

Depression is not a choice

It's not an excuse

It's not selfish.

It's living with a disease 

that can kill you.

Is there a place

 

Is there any place you can go

where your mind doesn't follow?

 

I can't explain my silence

 

I can't explain my silence

for fear you will think less of me.

By lowering my mask,

the mask I've worn so faithfully 

the mask you see as me,

you won't see the truth

rather a convenient excuse.

You'll think I'm abdicating all responsibility,

heaping all the stress on you,

blaming my disease

so I can live carefree,

without consequence

when in fact 

I'm protecting you 

from the constant threat of suicide,

a burden too cruel to share. 

I want to help

do all that I can,

I just can't explain my silence.

It starts with an idea.

 

It starts with an idea,

a word

a turn of phrase

a simple tune. 

then a chord

some harmonies

and a catchy bass line

the rush as it all comes together

practised and refined 

inspiring

finally it is ready!

Next comes the money

beg, borrow and steal

rent the studio

hire the sound engineer.

to create the digital code

Get an agent

or sign with a label

or do it all yourself

You release your original content    

and I hear it!

Over the tinnie grocery store speakers

as I restock the shelf.

I don't recognise the tune

it is simply sound meant to soften 

the murmur of shoppers 

and their squeaky carts 

It's not familiar

and never will be 

it's white noise that 

I'll never hear again.   

What to expect when your brain wants to kill you - excerpt from: SLEEP

Sleep is the fastest way to escape depression. When I feel overwhelmed, I go to bed, where I can drop the Mask and silence The Critic. The worse the depression, the more worn down I feel, the more tired I get, the more I want to sleep. Denial naps during the day, early bedtimes, and late sleep-ins help fill the time without confronting the worst of it. 

The better I am managing, the less I sleep.

I don't want to try

I don't want to try

because I'm afraid I will lose the chance.