Insomnia

 

I don't want to be awake anymore so I keep rehearsing my death. Ask for my plan and I will give you more detail than what you think is safe. Every night I pray for mortality; for a life that ends.

If instead of when

I wish I could be confident in the future, that suicide was an if not a when, only a possibility not inevitable, but I can't make that jump, the gap is too large.

Beyond Worthy

Why is the thought of being happy so difficult, so daunting? What is it about the future that frightens me? Perhaps it's my past. I've never been anything more than promising; anything more than two years away from two years away. Happiness for me is a leap of faith, of letting go, of jumping out. It's a surrender of my greatest possession in exchange for some thing I can't even hold in my hand. Death is tangible. Happiness is not. Besides, am I even worthy of it? You've fought hard for so many years You've turned back so many dark thoughts You've saved yourself so many times. You're beyond worthy. Happiness is your reward, even if it's just fleeting, like a breath of fresh air. Don't think about how you got here or where you' re going, just close your eyes, just for a moment, and smile.